Out with the old

As has been clearly demonstrated thus far in this blog, October of 2008 was an eventful time in the life of Family Bowles. I knew the accident and the charges were a signal of needed changes in my life, but I was not sure of what those changes were exactly or how to go about the action of change.

I had always wondered if I had a drinking problem, especially since my father was an active alcoholic until his death in 2005. The night I was arrested I stood in the holding cell and I knew that I could no longer drink alcohol. It was no longer a question. It was easy to see the progression of harm that had come to my life because of my choice to continue to imbibe. I had previously attended AA for a couple of years before and during graduate school, but I left the fellowship after grad school. It was not long before I began drinking again. A couple of beers with buddies after work would eventually turn into occasional late night bar hopping and then daily use of alcohol and pot. The warning signs of needed change were present, but I did not want to acknowledge them. I rationalized that I since I had a good job, and I was not getting into any trouble, that I must be fine. The funny thing about the truth is that it does not stay hidden for long, no matter how hard you attempt to ignore it.

Though I did not want to admit it, my marijuana usage had become my main priority, and probably the most important thing in my life. Though I had quit drinking several times in my life, once I started smoking pot at the age of 23, I had not really ever stopped using for more than a few days at any time, even during my membership in Alcoholics Anonymous. I convinced myself that I had a problem with alcohol, not pot, and since the only requirement for membership in AA was a desire to stop drinking, I considered my use of pot as an outside issue and therefore irrelevant to my membership in AA. Oh, how easy it is to convince the willing! So once we found an attorney to handle the legal issues I was facing, I decided to look for help with my personal issues. I decided I would find an AA meeting.

I attended my first AA meeting in several years on a Wednesday night, less than one week after the accident. I sat in the meeting as a newcomer to the program again, and listened to the familiar readings and the familiar stories. One of the comforting things about AA is that no matter where you are, you can find a meeting, and even though the people in the meeting may be different, the stories, problems and - most importantly - the solution, are always the same. I hung around after the meeting and got a few phone numbers, and even asked a guy to be my temporary sponsor. Two nights later my wife had plans with friends and took Sophie with her, leaving me home alone on a Friday night, exactly one week since my arrest. It had been a long and stressful week, and I wanted a break. I still had my stash of pot in the garage, and I decided that no harm would come from a couple of bong hits. That smoking session was probably the worst high I had ever had. I could not enjoy it at all, instead all I could experience was the guilt of the accident, and self hatred at the fact that I was getting high even after all that had transpired. It was awful, there was no longer any escape. I couldn't get away from my feelings. What was I going to do now? The illusions that I had built for myself were starting to fade, the truth was not going to stay hidden from view any longer. During the worst crisis I had ever faced, I was realizing that I was going to have to face it. I was realizing that for me, there was no more escaping. I found myself at what I would later would later call the F.E.A.R. cross roads. F.E.A.R. is an acronym highlighting the ultimate choice that every addict or alcoholic has to make: I could either face everything and recover, or f*** everything and run. Well it looked like my running days were over, and I was going to have to face up to my decisions, face up to my feelings, and face up to myself. How the hell was I going to do that? I sat on my couch experiencing the worst high I had ever had, and I felt more alone than I ever had. I could not even reach the God of my understanding. At that moment it was me and my disease, and I fully experienced complete powerlessness for possibly the first time in my life. Alone and scared, I did not know what I was going to do. Little did I know the wonderful universe had already been putting things in place that would help me.

It was time to try something new.

Fear and Family

I awoke the next morning feeling refreshed and free. Then I moved and the pain in my body from the wreck brought the fear and anxiety racing back. Just for an instant I had forgotten the wreck, the arrest, the charges, the uncertainty. For a moment life had returned to normal before the gripping fear squeeze me until I felt as if I could not move - pulse racing, stomach swirling, tears welling up. Anxiety had quickly become my constant companion, and I could not be still.

We found an attorney specializing in DUIs and met with his lead investigator that day. As the information came in, the severity of our situation became more evident, and I became more unsettled.

Later that afternoon Karina and I were standing in our tiny kitchen and I broke down in her arms. Weeping, I could not express to her the depth of my remorse, guilt and shame. She and Sophie did not deserve to be in this situation; their only crime was loving me. I shook as I wept into Karina's chest, barely able to get the words of sorrow out. As I was reeling in my own head with guilt, Karina looked into my eyes and said that we, the entire Bowles family, were going to be ok, no matter what happened. She reminded me of the two fools who got married with no jobs and no money. She reminded me how we started with nothing and we can regain anything we could loose because of these charges. She reminded me that what really matters could not be taken away from us. As her strength held us both up, Sophie began laughing at absolutely nothing. We both turned to see her sitting in her high chair squealing with delight. She was only 4 months old, and totally oblivious to the dire circumstances the family found itself in presently. Karina and I both laughed with Sophie and for another brief moment, the fear was lifted. I was reminded in my darkest moment that I was not in this alone, that I never had been. I knew at that moment that our family would be ok, that we would withstand the tribulations to come, and that our strength lived within each other.

Coming home

The hug was what I needed. I needed to feel her love, her compassion. After a few moments, Karina stepped back from me, still holding my arms in her hands and looking softly at me.

"I love you, and we can talk about everything later, but right now I am just glad you are ok. Are you ok? Do you need to go to the doctor?"

As she spoke with care she turned and walked with me to the car. We drove to the emergency room and she filled me in on what had been going on while I was in jail. That night, I slowly laid in my own bed, and though I was bruised and sore, the comfort of my bed and the safety of my house where deeply settling. Holding Sophie and snuggling with Karina, tears of sorrow for my actions and joy for my family rolled down my face as I drifted off to sleep. It was the first night in years I had fallen asleep in my own bed without being under the influence of any drugs.

A long dark night

Riddled with guilt and shame I laid on a cold metal bunk bed in the late night darkness of the Greenville County jail facing a terrifying future. I wondered how I was going to look my daughter in the eye again, how I was going to face my wife. I looked out into the darkness searching for hope, for anything to hold on to, for anything to protect me from the fearful reality that sunk in deeper with each passing moment. I had let my wife down. I had let my child down. I had let myself down. I had carelessly and selfishly tossed aside the sole responsibility with which I had been entrusted. I closed my eyes hoping to wake up and find this all to be a bad dream, to find myself comfortably snuggled in my bed next to Karina with the dogs laying at my feet. Instead, I opened my eyes to again find the bleak reality of the situation still hanging in the air.

I was able to arrange bail and was released at 4pm the next day. As I was being processed for release I tried to determine how I was going to get home. I had not be able to contact Karina because the phones in jail can not call cell phones and we did not maintain a traditional land line at the house. My wallet and cell phone were still in the truck leaving me with only the clothes I was wearing the night before. I assumed that I would simply walk home from jail after I stopped by the bail bondsman's office to sign the bail paper work. I slowly made my way through the never ending labyrinth of heavy locking doors and sealed rooms leading to the lobby and eventually outside. With each guard area and automatically locking door I passed through the anticipation for release grew. Even though I didn't know how I was going to contact Karina, or even how I was going to get into the house once I walked the 15 miles home, I could not wait to be outside of the jail again. I felt that once I was out of jail I could begin moving forward again, begin to deal with this mess I had made. As I walked across the lobby towards the exit, I began to deeply fear Karina's reaction to this situation. Would she leave? would she even be home when I finally got there? How could she forgive me, what was I going to say? What could I say?

I walked out the front door of the jail and into the smell of cigarette smoke and late afternoon sun. Two of the guys I had shared a holding cell with while waiting for release were standing just outside the door enjoying the cigarette they had been discussing for the previous hour while we awaited our return to freedom. I didn't have time for a cigarette. I had to get to the bondsman's office and then on my way home. It was going to be a long walk home. I thought that maybe I could call Karina from the bail bondsman's office and see if she could pick me up. Just as I was deriving my plan I looked up and saw Karina walking toward me. How was this possible? How did she know I was getting released? How is she not going to kill me? Fortunately for my well being all I saw on her beautiful face at that moment was love and caring. She walked up to me and wrapped her arms around me and squeezed me tightly. A hug has never felt so good.