Starting over

I read my last blog post, which I wrote the first day of November, 2010, and I drop my head in shame. You see I wanted to stop my over-eating, and find a balance. I even made the powerful statement "This shall stop now.". We it did not stop, not even close. Today is January 14th, 2011 and this morning I stepped on the scale and realized I now weigh 277.6 lbs. Wow. That is a 40lb weight increase since September, roughly 10 lbs per month. I have not stopped eating cookies or fast food like I am going to prison tomorrow. As I write these words I am filling up with sadness and even shame. Like I "know better" than to eat this junk food, and not work out. Well, everyone knows that if you eat as much as you possibly can and don't exercise you gain weight (well most of us at least). No, I have to admit that I feel shame because I thought I was "better" than that. I am a triathlete, I run 10 miles before work, I can swim over a mile nonstop and then bike and run; I, I, I.... That has been the problem. In the midst of trying to start a new company, find peace with the company I currently work for, get ready for our second child, change the way I was eating, and start exercising again, I lost sight of what is most important.
Today, I am a grateful recovering addict. For the past 4 months, I have been anything but grateful, nor have I been recovering. Instead, I have been complacent with my spiritual growth, non-existent at my home group, and completely self absorbed in most other aspects of my life. If I ignore the maintenance of my spirit, I eventually end up in a very dark place, filled with despair, fear, and self obsession, isolated from everyone and everything around me. I know this may sound melodramatic, but it is not. This really occurs in my life if I continually ignore the spiritual principles which set me free, principles such as gratitude, humility, acceptance, and grace. In my November declaration of independence from cookie and food addiction, I made the mistake of trying to do this solely on self will. When I tried to stop drinking and using on self-will, it never worked, at least not for long. Yet in the height of my self obsession, I believed I could will myself to better living. Unfortunately, for me, that simply does not work. I have only found continued success by placing my will and my life in the care of a power greater than me.
So this past weekend I called my sponsor weeping, wanting to kill myself. I was so filled with self pity and despair that my entire life seemed hopeless. As is often the case in the rooms of this 12 step fellowship, another addict saved my life. Not that I was actually going to go through with a suicide attempt, but what I was experiencing everyday at that point was not much of a life at all. No, my sponsor did not keep me from dying, at least not that day, instead, he reminded me how to live. He noted that I had no gratitude for all of the blessings in my life, that I had not taken time to help out another human being, that I only saw negative everywhere I looked; in short, he noted that I was living in the spiritual vacuum of active addiction, just with out the dope. Boy, it is absolutely amazing how powerful a dose of the truth can be when given with love. From behind the tears came a laugh. I could not help but giggle at myself as I realized it really was that simple. Recovery is not complicated, nor is life, unless we chose to make it so.

Following the suggestion of my sponsor, I take a few moments in the morning to simply sit quietly. During this time, I simply focus on what I have to be grateful for in my life. The impact this is having on my day is not short of amazing. Coming from a place of gratitude, even my poor attitude is curbed. I am able to experience my day with a touch of grace, and even look at ways that I can be of service, instead of how someone can be useful to me. It is from this place of center and perspective, that all good things in my life have come.

So this morning as I stepped on the scale and faced the real consequences of my over indulgence, I was actually okay. I am not happy with how I have let my body and conditioning go, but I know now that I am finally in the right place to successfully address the behavior and return to my life of health and vitality.