Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Fear and Family

I awoke the next morning feeling refreshed and free. Then I moved and the pain in my body from the wreck brought the fear and anxiety racing back. Just for an instant I had forgotten the wreck, the arrest, the charges, the uncertainty. For a moment life had returned to normal before the gripping fear squeeze me until I felt as if I could not move - pulse racing, stomach swirling, tears welling up. Anxiety had quickly become my constant companion, and I could not be still.

We found an attorney specializing in DUIs and met with his lead investigator that day. As the information came in, the severity of our situation became more evident, and I became more unsettled.

Later that afternoon Karina and I were standing in our tiny kitchen and I broke down in her arms. Weeping, I could not express to her the depth of my remorse, guilt and shame. She and Sophie did not deserve to be in this situation; their only crime was loving me. I shook as I wept into Karina's chest, barely able to get the words of sorrow out. As I was reeling in my own head with guilt, Karina looked into my eyes and said that we, the entire Bowles family, were going to be ok, no matter what happened. She reminded me of the two fools who got married with no jobs and no money. She reminded me how we started with nothing and we can regain anything we could loose because of these charges. She reminded me that what really matters could not be taken away from us. As her strength held us both up, Sophie began laughing at absolutely nothing. We both turned to see her sitting in her high chair squealing with delight. She was only 4 months old, and totally oblivious to the dire circumstances the family found itself in presently. Karina and I both laughed with Sophie and for another brief moment, the fear was lifted. I was reminded in my darkest moment that I was not in this alone, that I never had been. I knew at that moment that our family would be ok, that we would withstand the tribulations to come, and that our strength lived within each other.

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Coming home

The hug was what I needed. I needed to feel her love, her compassion. After a few moments, Karina stepped back from me, still holding my arms in her hands and looking softly at me.

"I love you, and we can talk about everything later, but right now I am just glad you are ok. Are you ok? Do you need to go to the doctor?"

As she spoke with care she turned and walked with me to the car. We drove to the emergency room and she filled me in on what had been going on while I was in jail. That night, I slowly laid in my own bed, and though I was bruised and sore, the comfort of my bed and the safety of my house where deeply settling. Holding Sophie and snuggling with Karina, tears of sorrow for my actions and joy for my family rolled down my face as I drifted off to sleep. It was the first night in years I had fallen asleep in my own bed without being under the influence of any drugs.