I awoke the next morning feeling refreshed and free. Then I moved and the pain in my body from the wreck brought the fear and anxiety racing back. Just for an instant I had forgotten the wreck, the arrest, the charges, the uncertainty. For a moment life had returned to normal before the gripping fear squeeze me until I felt as if I could not move - pulse racing, stomach swirling, tears welling up. Anxiety had quickly become my constant companion, and I could not be still.
We found an attorney specializing in DUIs and met with his lead investigator that day. As the information came in, the severity of our situation became more evident, and I became more unsettled.
Later that afternoon Karina and I were standing in our tiny kitchen and I broke down in her arms. Weeping, I could not express to her the depth of my remorse, guilt and shame. She and Sophie did not deserve to be in this situation; their only crime was loving me. I shook as I wept into Karina's chest, barely able to get the words of sorrow out. As I was reeling in my own head with guilt, Karina looked into my eyes and said that we, the entire Bowles family, were going to be ok, no matter what happened. She reminded me of the two fools who got married with no jobs and no money. She reminded me how we started with nothing and we can regain anything we could loose because of these charges. She reminded me that what really matters could not be taken away from us. As her strength held us both up, Sophie began laughing at absolutely nothing. We both turned to see her sitting in her high chair squealing with delight. She was only 4 months old, and totally oblivious to the dire circumstances the family found itself in presently. Karina and I both laughed with Sophie and for another brief moment, the fear was lifted. I was reminded in my darkest moment that I was not in this alone, that I never had been. I knew at that moment that our family would be ok, that we would withstand the tribulations to come, and that our strength lived within each other.
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
Coming home
The hug was what I needed. I needed to feel her love, her compassion. After a few moments, Karina stepped back from me, still holding my arms in her hands and looking softly at me.
"I love you, and we can talk about everything later, but right now I am just glad you are ok. Are you ok? Do you need to go to the doctor?"
As she spoke with care she turned and walked with me to the car. We drove to the emergency room and she filled me in on what had been going on while I was in jail. That night, I slowly laid in my own bed, and though I was bruised and sore, the comfort of my bed and the safety of my house where deeply settling. Holding Sophie and snuggling with Karina, tears of sorrow for my actions and joy for my family rolled down my face as I drifted off to sleep. It was the first night in years I had fallen asleep in my own bed without being under the influence of any drugs.
"I love you, and we can talk about everything later, but right now I am just glad you are ok. Are you ok? Do you need to go to the doctor?"
As she spoke with care she turned and walked with me to the car. We drove to the emergency room and she filled me in on what had been going on while I was in jail. That night, I slowly laid in my own bed, and though I was bruised and sore, the comfort of my bed and the safety of my house where deeply settling. Holding Sophie and snuggling with Karina, tears of sorrow for my actions and joy for my family rolled down my face as I drifted off to sleep. It was the first night in years I had fallen asleep in my own bed without being under the influence of any drugs.
Friday, March 5, 2010
A long dark night
Riddled with guilt and shame I laid on a cold metal bunk bed in the late night darkness of the Greenville County jail facing a terrifying future. I wondered how I was going to look my daughter in the eye again, how I was going to face my wife. I looked out into the darkness searching for hope, for anything to hold on to, for anything to protect me from the fearful reality that sunk in deeper with each passing moment. I had let my wife down. I had let my child down. I had let myself down. I had carelessly and selfishly tossed aside the sole responsibility with which I had been entrusted. I closed my eyes hoping to wake up and find this all to be a bad dream, to find myself comfortably snuggled in my bed next to Karina with the dogs laying at my feet. Instead, I opened my eyes to again find the bleak reality of the situation still hanging in the air.
I was able to arrange bail and was released at 4pm the next day. As I was being processed for release I tried to determine how I was going to get home. I had not be able to contact Karina because the phones in jail can not call cell phones and we did not maintain a traditional land line at the house. My wallet and cell phone were still in the truck leaving me with only the clothes I was wearing the night before. I assumed that I would simply walk home from jail after I stopped by the bail bondsman's office to sign the bail paper work. I slowly made my way through the never ending labyrinth of heavy locking doors and sealed rooms leading to the lobby and eventually outside. With each guard area and automatically locking door I passed through the anticipation for release grew. Even though I didn't know how I was going to contact Karina, or even how I was going to get into the house once I walked the 15 miles home, I could not wait to be outside of the jail again. I felt that once I was out of jail I could begin moving forward again, begin to deal with this mess I had made. As I walked across the lobby towards the exit, I began to deeply fear Karina's reaction to this situation. Would she leave? would she even be home when I finally got there? How could she forgive me, what was I going to say? What could I say?
I walked out the front door of the jail and into the smell of cigarette smoke and late afternoon sun. Two of the guys I had shared a holding cell with while waiting for release were standing just outside the door enjoying the cigarette they had been discussing for the previous hour while we awaited our return to freedom. I didn't have time for a cigarette. I had to get to the bondsman's office and then on my way home. It was going to be a long walk home. I thought that maybe I could call Karina from the bail bondsman's office and see if she could pick me up. Just as I was deriving my plan I looked up and saw Karina walking toward me. How was this possible? How did she know I was getting released? How is she not going to kill me? Fortunately for my well being all I saw on her beautiful face at that moment was love and caring. She walked up to me and wrapped her arms around me and squeezed me tightly. A hug has never felt so good.
I was able to arrange bail and was released at 4pm the next day. As I was being processed for release I tried to determine how I was going to get home. I had not be able to contact Karina because the phones in jail can not call cell phones and we did not maintain a traditional land line at the house. My wallet and cell phone were still in the truck leaving me with only the clothes I was wearing the night before. I assumed that I would simply walk home from jail after I stopped by the bail bondsman's office to sign the bail paper work. I slowly made my way through the never ending labyrinth of heavy locking doors and sealed rooms leading to the lobby and eventually outside. With each guard area and automatically locking door I passed through the anticipation for release grew. Even though I didn't know how I was going to contact Karina, or even how I was going to get into the house once I walked the 15 miles home, I could not wait to be outside of the jail again. I felt that once I was out of jail I could begin moving forward again, begin to deal with this mess I had made. As I walked across the lobby towards the exit, I began to deeply fear Karina's reaction to this situation. Would she leave? would she even be home when I finally got there? How could she forgive me, what was I going to say? What could I say?
I walked out the front door of the jail and into the smell of cigarette smoke and late afternoon sun. Two of the guys I had shared a holding cell with while waiting for release were standing just outside the door enjoying the cigarette they had been discussing for the previous hour while we awaited our return to freedom. I didn't have time for a cigarette. I had to get to the bondsman's office and then on my way home. It was going to be a long walk home. I thought that maybe I could call Karina from the bail bondsman's office and see if she could pick me up. Just as I was deriving my plan I looked up and saw Karina walking toward me. How was this possible? How did she know I was getting released? How is she not going to kill me? Fortunately for my well being all I saw on her beautiful face at that moment was love and caring. She walked up to me and wrapped her arms around me and squeezed me tightly. A hug has never felt so good.
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
How the journey began
This blog is to chronicle my evolution from a 300 lb chain-smoking beer guzzler to an Ironman finisher, noting as many obstacles and achievements as possible along the way. The journey has been fairly slow thus far, and I don't see the pace quickening any time soon. This, however, is fine by me as it has been my experience that lasting change comes slowly and these lifestyle changes I hope and pray are lasting.
After leaving graduate school in late 2004, I weighed about 215 lbs and smoked at least a pack of Marlboro Methol Lights each and every day. I also smoke other things which did not come with any sort of filter, and drank beer quite heavily given the chance. The combination of a desk job, endless movie rentals, pizza delivery and absolutely no desire to exercise caused my weight to increase to 295lbs by December 2007.
In the summer of 2008, when gasoline prices were reaching the highest levels in my lifetime, I decided that riding a bike to work a few days a week would be a good way to both save a few dollars and maybe shed a few pounds. I found a used mountain bike on Craigslist and started riding it around my neighborhood building up to the 5 mile ride to work. After two weeks I rode my bike to work. I felt like I had accomplished something wonderful and environmentally conscientious. I am fortunate that my job has a private shower in the men's room and I have a private office in which I can change clothes. Soon I was riding my bike to work up to 4 times per week, and upgraded to a new Trek 7.3 FX hybrid bike. Man, that thing was so much faster than the MTB! By October 2008 my weight was down to abut 280lbs and things were looking better, except I still had several really bad habits that needed to be addressed.
On the night of October 9th 2008, I was involved in an accident after leaving a bar where my company's softball team had gathered to watch the Clemson vs. Duke football game. That night proved to be one of the biggest turning points in my life. As the arresting officer informed me and the Judge that my charges were changed to felony DUI due to the injuries suffered by the other driver, my knees buckled and I hit the floor sobbing. All I could picture was my 4 month old daughter growing up without a father because I was in prison, and my wife struggling to provide for the family without my earnings. It was at that exact moment my life changed.
After leaving graduate school in late 2004, I weighed about 215 lbs and smoked at least a pack of Marlboro Methol Lights each and every day. I also smoke other things which did not come with any sort of filter, and drank beer quite heavily given the chance. The combination of a desk job, endless movie rentals, pizza delivery and absolutely no desire to exercise caused my weight to increase to 295lbs by December 2007.
In the summer of 2008, when gasoline prices were reaching the highest levels in my lifetime, I decided that riding a bike to work a few days a week would be a good way to both save a few dollars and maybe shed a few pounds. I found a used mountain bike on Craigslist and started riding it around my neighborhood building up to the 5 mile ride to work. After two weeks I rode my bike to work. I felt like I had accomplished something wonderful and environmentally conscientious. I am fortunate that my job has a private shower in the men's room and I have a private office in which I can change clothes. Soon I was riding my bike to work up to 4 times per week, and upgraded to a new Trek 7.3 FX hybrid bike. Man, that thing was so much faster than the MTB! By October 2008 my weight was down to abut 280lbs and things were looking better, except I still had several really bad habits that needed to be addressed.
On the night of October 9th 2008, I was involved in an accident after leaving a bar where my company's softball team had gathered to watch the Clemson vs. Duke football game. That night proved to be one of the biggest turning points in my life. As the arresting officer informed me and the Judge that my charges were changed to felony DUI due to the injuries suffered by the other driver, my knees buckled and I hit the floor sobbing. All I could picture was my 4 month old daughter growing up without a father because I was in prison, and my wife struggling to provide for the family without my earnings. It was at that exact moment my life changed.
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